American Idol: Riding High On Glamberace Air

May 13, 2009 / Posted by:

Paula Abdul never lets me down. She was so mild and calm during last night’s episode and then suddenly right after Glamberace’s second performance, she dropped a beautiful morphine-laced jewel in all our laps. The lidocaine she injected into her eyeball during the commercial break must have kicked in. NO, I didn’t say that! It’s just her natural craziness. The completely sober Paula said, “You’ve set the bar so high in the sky! I hope you’re collecting frequent flier miles. You will be flying for free everywhere.” Honey, you’re the only one flying high in that room and that’s why my no-heart thumps for you. Paula then twitched a little and looked like a homeless crazy junkie trying to flick off the invisible fleas that the government planted there to read her thoughts. I love her so.

As for the performances, does Kris Allen really have to go? Just when I was getting used to his seizure mouth, he’s going to slide away. Even if he got all nakies and his peen sang “America the Beautiful” in perfect pitch, it still wouldn’t be enough. And that’s gross, because his version of Kanye West’s Heartless” was thee best of the evening. I didn’t fart once during it and that’s a compliment. I’ve been waiting for Gay Fish to pop the CAPS-KEY and proclaim,THIS IS A FUCKING FARCE!!!1!!! BITCH, BOGUS!, but he probably didn’t watch, because he’s too busy creating high art for the world to ponder.

Kris doing Kanye made up for his microwaved squash version of “Apologize” which obviously needed more Felix Cane. I blame Kara for this, because she sucks at everything. She sucks at moving her jaw correctly and she sucks at picking songs for dreamboats.

Before I went to bed, I prayed to The Empress of Lucite to please bring the machete down on Danny Chokey’s head! I am so sick of his FACE and his dyke-approved glasses. And that caca-eating grin. Ugh. I just want to cover him in baby wipes and throw a diaper over his mouth. Both of his performances last night she could have come complete with a tub of piping hot Purell, because that shit made me feel like all filthy-like (and not in a good way). Chokey is just so damn slimy with the way he slithers around the stage and tries to manipulate us. His performance of “You Are So Beautiful To Me” was like getting a Hallmark card filled with butt jelly. Yeah, I guess can he sing alright, but I’d rather get ear fucked by a porcupine than have to listen to him again.

Now on to the big queen of the hour… No, not Gaycrest. I’m talking about Glamberace! It doesn’t matter what I say. This bitch will win. He already won. I can already see the wings started to sprout out of his ass and the glittery halo above his head. He’s already an angel to the judges and half of America.

I wish they would just give him the tiara already and put us out of our misery! His performance of “One” had me until the screeching pussy in heat jumped out of his mouth again. And even though his version of “Cryin‘” had my ears crying from all that hollerin’, I still loved that he chose it. Glamberace totally kicked Danny in the ass bone for completely murdering an Aerosmith song last week. For that reason alone, he deserves to be in the finals. Any hater of Gokey is a best girlfriend of mine!

On to the predictions:

Who will be executed: Kris, right? But please twist your nipples and hope for a Gokey execution!

P.S. – Was it just me or did anybody notice the stain on Simon’s t-shirt. It was right near his furry tittay. Gaycrest needs to aim better next time!

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