Jon Gosselin Is Hot For Teacher

UsWeekly is the Joey Greco of tabloids! Last week, they ran a cover story claiming Jon Gosselin was doing illegal sexy times with some 23-year-old trick. They both denied away. But UsWeekly isn’t backing down and has shot Jon a Kate-approved death stare in the form of this cover. Es. Can. De. Lo.

UsWeekly has pictures, video and quotes from the brother of Jon’s supposed mistress. Jason Hummel says his sister, third grade teacher Deanna Hummer (typo, but it belongs), first met Jon back in January at a club near both of their homes. During the weeks that followed, Jon wooed Deanna. When Kate was away on business, he would invite Deanna over to sunbathe her nalgas on the lawn of his house. And when she wasn’t rubbing her business all over his grass, Jon was over at her house slapping his ruler on her chalkboard.

Jason, who probably had a can of Natty Ice in his hand while talking to Us, said this: “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

“Ick. Nast.“? That is the exact words I uttered when I first saw Kate’s hair.

Jason, who is truly an underground poet, says he is speaking out about his sister’s fuck life, because he needs the money so he can make another layaway payment on that sweeeeeet Trans Am he’s been getting hard for. No, he said he’s trying to protect her. Jason explains, “She’s a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn’t healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.” Yeah, yeah. Don’t fuck me in the ass without lube and tell me it doesn’t hurt. Jason should take some of his Hooters posters off the wall to make way for his “Brother of the Century” plaque.

So what happens next? Is Kate going to finish Jon off by Lorena Bobbitting his peen once and for all? Or are they going to keep denying all of this? I don’t know. But I do know that everyone in Pennsylvania should be on the lookout for a rabid beaver hitchhiking along the highways. Once Kate finds out about this, the mangy beast on her head is going to bust out of there before the bloodbath begins.