American Idol: Go Go Gokey

May 6, 2009 / Posted by:

No, seriously, just go go go go GO far far away. I’m going to keep this recap simple, because everybody sounded like glorious rock angels sent from Led Zeppelin heaven compared to the terrorist attack that is Danny Chokey.

Chokey must pay for whatever it is came out of his shit hole last night. The FCC needs to fine him, his church needs to excommunicate him and Peta needs to pour a gallon of red paint down his throat, because thousands of chickens WERE strangled to death in the making of that sound. During dress rehearsal, the stage manager fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. All signs point to Chokey’s screech from hell. It is the cause of all the wrongdoings in this world.

The only good that could have come out of Chokey’s “baby hyena in a blender” screech is if Simon Cowell threw Kara DioSTFUALREADY towards it and she turned into a pile of salt. Then Paula would’ve run on stage and snorted her up. If that happened, Kara wouldn’t have embarrassed herself even more with the whole “Crazy” is “early Aerosmith” comment. Stupid bitch.

Chokey’s performance should seal the deal. He basically sang his own execution song last night. Somebody should check on Steven Tyler, because I think hearing Chokey absolutely murder one of his songs caused him to dig a grave just so he could lie down and turn in it.

With all that being said, Cockey won’t be put down tonight. The judges completely shrugged off that epic suckery off. Most of them said that Danny just wasn’t in his element. If by “element” they meant “singing,” then they are right. But that’s not what they meant.

All signs still point to a Glamberace/Cockey finale. And this grosses me out. It should be Manic Panic’s best girlfriend, Allison! Didn’t her duet with Glamberace pretty much confirm this? I mean, Allison was pretty perfect last night. When she sang, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and cartons of Marlboro Reds danced around me. She already has the voice of a middle-aged crackhead rock star who may or may not love the pussay. How can you not love that?

As for Kris Allen, I hope you got enough of his “jizzing in a tube sock” facial expression last night, because I think he is done. You won’t see them anymore. His army of horny tweens can’t save him now.

Now on to GLAMBERACE! Breaking news! For once in my life, I actually liked him. Yes, everyone was waiting for THE QUEEN to take on Queen, but his version on Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” kind of stroked me the right way (my apologies for that lunch-killing visual). This was mostly because Glamberace is built like Foghorn Leghorn, so that’s who I pictured singing this. That made a whole world of difference.

Now on to predictions:

Who will face execution?: Allison & Kris
Who will be executed?: Sadly, Kris….

P.S. – SLASH: I would totally let him rub my no-no with his nose ring. Who knew Slash could ever make me pucker?

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