You may see a skeezy guido who still lives in his mother’s rec room in New Jersey and works part-time as a plumber’s assistant while he’s trying to make his big dream of owning a used car dealership/pizza place/strip joint on State Island come true. This is what you may see. However, I see a beautiful afghan hound of a man who I just want to walk through fields of gold. I just want to nuzzle up to that nose and bite it. BITE IT. EAT IT. Yes, Adrien Brody looks like he just walked out of True Life: “I Think I’m Ronny Cammareri From Moonstruck,” but I can look past all of that, because of his nose. The nose that makes no-no say yes-yes.
I can even look past the blue Dior Hair Mascara from ’98 that has busted loads all over his luscious mullet and the neon shoelaces he stole from my first pair of British Knights. I can look past all of….Oh, fuckity! Who am I fooling?! I can’t look past all of that shit. For serious, who is dressing this sexy beast?! Kid Rock?! Adrien needs to put down the Natty Ice and get a gay in his life, because he obviously can’t be trusted to dress himself.