American Idol: How Fucking Shocking

April 30, 2009 / Posted by:

It’s time to put on your aluminum foil hats and discuss American Idol conspiracy theories! Last night, I was sort-of, kind-of, maybe drunked up while watching this mess, so it was a total blur. By the by, this is the way it was meant to be watched. The elimination episode of Idol is like doing sexy times with a fugly bitch you met at the bar. You don’t know why you’re doing it and you’re filled with shame over it, but since you’ve already decided to, you might as well get as plastered as possible to ease the pain. The only problem is that when Danny Dorkey’sRDJ hit with the tard stick” face comes on the screen, I really can’t control the barf nuggets from pouring out. They should throw a warning or some sawdust on his fugly ass face.

The only part I really remember last night was the OMG WTF WHY WHO HUH SHOCKING reveal that the unstoppable flying unicorn that is Glamberace was in the bottom 3 along with Kris Allen and Justin TimberMOLE. I really wasn’t slapping my nipples out of shock, because I was waiting for the Idol producers to pull this fuckery out of their asses. This is some manipulative shit!

Shortly after Gaycrest puckered up his peen kisser and announced, Kris, The Mole and Glamberace as the bottom 3, he let Kris’ sweet ass go back to safey. Then The Mole was finally burned off. That’s when my eyeballs started doing calisthenics. Give me a break. They never said Glamberace was in the bottom 2, but the producers are trying to scare his crazy fans by making it seem like he was close to being executed. Some of the Glamberts might have been voting for Allison or Kris thinking Glamberace is safe, so now they are going to go back to punching it in for their precious rainbow prince. That means there will most likely be a Chokey and Glamberace finale. FIXED!

If Lens Crafters’ favorite bitch wins this shit, I swear I will break into Simon’s bathroom chambers and shave off the only thing that means anything to him: his titty fur.

And I have a question, why do I fucking care so much? I need to drink more, obviously.

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