WARNING: This may cause your eyeballs to roll our of their sockets, so hold them down as you read on.
Brangelina has left the townspeople of Oyster Bay, Long Island spellbound by their fantastical beauty. The holy family has invaded the town like a herd of mythical unicorns while St. Angie films a movie. Their presence has caused the town to practically shut down so everyone has a chance to marvel at the two pieces of spectacular art. Read these quotes and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Again, hold your eyeballs and keep a barf bag close.
“When you talk to someone who has met them they’re kind of glowing. People love saying they saw them. They feel something very special happened to them.” – The Oyster Bay Town Supervisor
“They looked out of place because they were so beautiful. They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, ‘No thanks.’ I was looking at him but I don’t really remember it – it was like a dream.” – Katherine Pastore, a manager at Stop & Shop
“She was in my aisle and everyone was kind of looking at her or going up to her. She looked great. She had on these leggings and sunglasses and signed a few autographs.” – a local resident
That shit sounds like it was ripped from a Brangaloonie message board. It’s not like they came into close contact with Rojo Caliente or anything. Really, contrary to popular belief, they can’t bless you or heal all your ailments by touching you on the forehead. I’m surprised none of their hearts stopped beating from being exposed to that level of grace and exquisiteness.
The people of Oyster Bay should stay inside, because Brangelina’s heavenly glow makes everyone FUCKING DUMB AND DELUSIONAL (example: read the quotes above again). Actually, Brangelina should have to stay inside, because they are a health hazard!