American Idol: The Week Simon Tries To Fuck With Our Heads

April 29, 2009 / Posted by:

Last night’s American Idol was like the longest elevator ride ever. An elevator ride that just doesn’t end. Although, some of the performances didn’t have me staring at the emergency button just aching to yank it. But most of them did. I knew this wasn’t going to be a fun time party hour when Jamie Foxx was revealed as the super secret mystery mentor. Jamie Foxx and The Rat Pack go together like Gaycrest and vaginas.

Jamie as their mentor was sometimes funny, sometimes helpful, but overall he was creepy as a Papa Joe. I wanted to scream at the contestants, “If he offers you a white wine spritzers, don’t drink it! You’ll wake up with a bleeding ass in the bath tub of a Super 8!” Yes, I’m speaking from experience. Now on to the butchery! JUMP!!

Kris Allen “The Way You Look Tonight” – Simon Cowell called Kris “wet.” At that moment, thousands of crazy fangirls all screamed in union, “ME TOO!” Kris knows exactly what he’s doing when he’s “taking off your clothes and rocking your coochie with his” eyes. Kris has mastered the eyefuck. Sometimes after watching Kris, I feel I gotta stick an EPT up my ass to make sure I’m not pregnant. I mean, Kris’ voice can be found on any old 98 Degrees record. It’s fine, but that’s not why legions of horny tween girls are breaking their phones in two by voting for him over and over again. And by “legions of horny tween girls” I mean me.

Allison Iraheta “Someone To Watch Over Me” – Last night, it finally hit me as to why I love Allison so much. It’s because in about 30 years, she’ll boozing inside a HoJo’s bar at 10am yapping to anyone who will listen about how she could’ve been a big star. Then she’ll pass out face first into her pancakes after her 12th tequila shot. There’s a major alkie inside of Allison just aching to get out! I love her because she’s one of us! That being said, I hope she goes on to win this shit and makes trillions of dollars, so that in 30 years she can pass out at a bar inside the Four Seasons instead of HoJo’s. And I can’t say anything bad about Allison last night. She’s the whiskey in my Boilermaker.

Matt Giraud “My Funny Valentine” – Who dressed Matt last night? My high school drama teacher? Matt looked like he was getting ready to star in a HS version of “Death of a Salesman.” Speaking of death, that’s what should happen to Matt tonight. It was fucking awful! The notes were all over the damn place. He sounded like my neighbor’s dog after it got the debarking surgery. Just a hoarse mess. It’s a sound that still keeps me awake at night. And Simon said he was BRILLIANT. What’s not brilliant is Simon trying to pull that reverse psychology shit. Just speak the truth Simon. Matt is rotten milk and it’s time we throw him out of the fridge.

Danny COCKY “Come Rain or Come Shine” – I’m so mad at Jamie Foxx! You know how he got into Hokye’s face to break down his wall or whatever? I thought it was all a trick and Jamie was really going to gnaw off his vocal cords, so we don’t have to hear Gokey’s unbearable warbling anymore! But this performance was honestly his best, but that’s not saying anything. I didn’t punch my ears or call my mommy in tears asking why the skeezy Gokey is still violating my TV screen. So there’s something to be said for that.

Adam Lambert “Feeling Good” – Glamberace was in full glittery force last night! I not only tasted the rainbow, but I choked in it. When he strutted down the stairs at the beginning, I expected him to rip off his “guido dyke at her own wedding” outfit to reveal fishnet thigh highs and sequined pasties. That was some burlesque shit right there! Dita Von Teese who? Seriously, Adam should’ve climbed into a giant martini glass and given himself a sponge bath. That was the only thing that was missing. And you might have noticed that during his SCREEEECHING final note, the sun rose and then set again in a matter of seconds. That’s because the earth was trying to spin Glamberace off the damn planet to end all his hollerin’.

Now on to predictions. This might be easy.

Who will be sent to the execution line? Allison (sight) and Matt.
Who will be executed? THE MOLE!!!!!

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