John Mayer’s New Piece

April 23, 2009 / Posted by:

John Mayer might have a new piece to keep his twitter warm after Jennifer Aniston Riverdanced all over his heart like the man-eating tramp she is (served with a heaping dollop of sarcasm.) Star Magazine says John has moved on from 40-year-old Jen to 23-year-old ex-buffalo wing server Scheana Marie Jancan.

Scheana serves drinkies at The Grand Havana Room and that’s where she met John. I’m sure it was love at first sight. Like that scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first meet. Picture that, but with more silicone and waaaaaay more Twittering.

The two chatted for a while before John asked for her number. Since then, they have hung out a few times and Scheana even spent a little time at John’s house. Scheana apparently told some source, “There is always food and beer around. Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!” So basically she’s saying there’s booze-infused barf everywhere and a Creepy McCreepster with rapey-eyes hiding behind almost every corner? Sounds about right.

Scheana is a former Hooters waitress who has modeled for Ed Hardy and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Paging Sarah Larson! This trick right here stole your life.

Since this magical union will last forever, what should their couple name be? MaMa? ScheMohn?

And I would tell Scheana to immediately work on gold digging rule #3 “GET KNOCKED UP,” but she will probably have a hard time trying to conceive with a soppy tampon. The only thing Scheana will give birth to from fucking John Mayer is a big pile of extra-chunky clitty litter.

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