Pop That Ass!

Yesterday in Hollywood, Hugh Jackmeoff got on all fours for a quick minute and afterwards his precious paws were covered in a warm, sticky substance. Usually, Hugh just licks a little off and then jazz dances away into the night. But this time he was getting some kind of plaque he can hang in his walk-in panty closet, so he stuck around. Hugh popped his ass out during the handprint and footprint ceremony at Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

You know, this handprint and footprint shit is so damn old-fashioned. Who really cares what these celebwhores’ hands are like. The last time I was there, I walked around thinking only one thing, “I wonder how big their penises are?” For real. So they need to stop with this handprint shit and start giving us peenprints! That’s what we’re all thinking when we’re standing over Richard Widmark’s footprints. How big is yo dick?

All they had to do was pop in an old Beta video of Liza Minnelli doing jazz hands on Broadway back in the day, so Hugh Jackman could get hard. After that, plop his dick into the cement and let it rest for a bit. Yes, his dick would end up looking like a melted down Twix, but I’m sure he’s used to that.

Eff handprints. Viva peenprints!