American Idol: What Simon Really Thinks Of Kara

April 22, 2009 / Posted by:

As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I’m his bitch.

Enough of that, let’s talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!!

Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman” – GIRL BYE! The time has finally come for Lil Rounds to put that wig into its pet carrier and shuffle off to wherever she came from. Last night the bark from her wig sounded better than her singing, but overall I don’t mind her. Truth be told, a lot of other whores (I’m side-eyeing you, Gokey) need to go first, but I’m sick as shit of hearing the judges slap her down. When she’s gone, they can finally shut their yips over that “I don’t know what kind of artist you are” shit. Yeah, because American Idol is the Royal Academy of singers. When Lil goes home tonight, she should go directly into the arms of Bebe Zahara Benet for some wig advice.

Kris Allen “She Works Hard For The Money” – You know that Kris makes my no-no kiss my taint, but I got a tinge of John Mayer flavor from him last night which worried me a bit. But my peen lips still declare him the winner of the night. Here’s a Vicodin pill that Paula queefed out while judging Kris: “I got to tell you, Kris. A lot of women are known to shop in the men’s department, but there aren’t many men who are willing to shop in the womens.” Oh, to be a Paula Abdul! You can just run free with your crazy hanging out for everyone to see!

Danny Hokey “September” – Whoever is voting for this mouth breather needs to get their electricity turned off, their cell service shut down and their fingers burned on a hot plate, because a vote for Gokey is a vote against humanity. I would rather Beyonce sing opera directly into my ear than watch 1 second of Gokey work the stage like a third-rate traveling Evangelical preacher. He child touches me with his voice! I HATE HIM. I also felt hate for Paula for the first time when she said, “I think you have one of the sexiest voices ever.” !!!!!!!!!! Paula, please go backstage and eff your snatch with a pair of spectacles if you need to, but don’t feed the beast like that! Just say no to Gokey! Jesus will deliver a kitten into your arms if you do.

Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff” – Ain’t nobody better talk trash about my Allison! When those wack ass judges said the arrangement was a doody bubble, I wanted to rip a branch off a tree and beat them with it abuelita-style. I don’t get why people don’t have love in their hearts for Allison. Is it because she looks like a Troll doll double dipped in Manic Panic? If that’s the case, just picture her singing while sitting on the end a No. 2 pencil and everything will make sense. Pray to the Olsens that Allison isn’t getting executed tonight.

Adam Glambert “If I Can’t Have You” – Oh, Lamb Lips let me down. I was all ready to embrace the glitter and it wasn’t there. There I was, with my arms wide open, ready for his cloud of sparklies to embrace me. But instead of wearing sequined ass huggers, shiny roller skates and a tight t-shirt that exposed his luscious under titties, he once again looked like he was starring in the one-dyke show of K.D. Lang’s life story at a dinner theater in South Florida. Therefore, I cannot ride bareback on the fancy gay lion anytime soon. As for the vocals, my ears didn’t twitch until he squeezed his cum catcher and screeched out his signature yelp. Every time he does that, the butt plug living in Gaycrest’s ass probably bursts. It’s hurtful!

Matt Giraud “Staying Alive” – I rebuke thee! Damn that Matt Giraud for covering up his hypnotizing MOLE. Because of that, I actually had to pay attention to his performance. Matt is pretty much harmless, but his “toddler impersonating Justin Timberlake” act hit a fever pitch last night. THE MOLE has all the stage presence and when he covers it up like that, all is lost.

Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights” – Dim all the lights on his ass forever. I liked Anoop’s leftover Easter Sunday ensemble, but he’s like a lukewarm dildo on my tongue. A bowl of Bisquick batter could give a more exciting performance than that boring ass shit. The only way his performance would’ve been better is if Nina Flowers lip-synched FOR HER LIFE to it. Anoop is a lazy lay and it’s time whores stop returning his calls!

On to predictions!

Who will face execution? (I’m assuming there’s going to be a bottom 4): Lil, Anoop, THE MOLE and Allison (weep weep)
Who will be executed? Lil & Anoop.

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