POOPY Sucks At Blind Items

In this week’s edition of Tales From the Toilet, Fishsticks Paltrow enlightens us on how gossiping only brings evil energy into our lives. HOORAY! Bathe me in a tub full of hot evil energy! Evil energy rocks me to sleep every night. I’d rather be an evil gossiper than a snobby cunt who can’t even let out a relaxing fart because a giant stick of delusional is shoved so far up her own ass. But forgive me, that’s the evil energy talking.

Fishy gave an example in a blind item of sorts. Although, the co-star in this blind item has Johnny Depp’s saliva all over her.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.

Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap…

Love,

Gwyneth

Here’s to you choking on a bar of soap. Tonight, I will ask my own personal sage (my bong) to shed a little light on why Fishsticks is such a pretentious bitch!

Also, will somebody please tell Winona Ryder to get her klepto ass over here, so she can shoplift the stick out of Fishy’s ass and shove it in her mouth. Please.