A funny thing happened on American Idol last night no. Not only did a rabid, shrieking beaver creature in a Windsor Fashions prom dress break into the studio and proceed to go into a seizure in the middle of the stage while police tried to control her with tear gas, but Matt Giraud aka THE MOLE was saaaaaaved!
The Mole, Lil Rounds and Anoooooop were in the bottom three and I was completely ready to blow air kisses to Lil’s “hooker on a budget” wig, but Gaycrest’s precious lips announced she was safe! So was Anoop! That’s when I knew something in Paula’s lude milkshake wasn’t clean. Matt continued to sing for his supper while Paula and Kara did some kind of voodoo tribal dance at the judges table. Did you see that shit? After their dance, I ran outside thinking Paula’s dance would make the sky rain Adderall pills. I stumbled back inside with a sad face because that didn’t happen and found that the judges used that Power of Veto/Immunity Idol thing to save THE MOLE! That means two bitches get their heads chopped off next week.
Maybe someone spiked (SPOILER ALERT: Herself) Paula’s sweet tea with the bad shit again and she started to hallucinate that Matt’s MOLE would devour her alive if she didn’t save him! That’s why she begged Simon that she would give his furry titties a tongue bath for a week if he saved THE MOLE. Because really, we need to start letting these bitches go, so we can wrap this show up and go back to our miserable lives! Speaking of miserable, next week is disco week. Coincidentally, Rite-Aid is also having a sale on ear plugs and charcoal pills.
Adam Lambert the big gay lion has one more chance to make my donut hole spit glitter bombs for him. This will happen if he descends from the sky on a disco ball singing “Dancing Queen” while wearing this: