American Idol: My Thoughts Exactly, Simon

April 15, 2009 / Posted by:

Simon! Oh, how I just want to fuck his fur tittays with a suppository (in a good way)! On last night’s American Idol, Simon was like a big bowl of meth-spiked punch at the bore prom! If I got a penny for every time he rolled his eyes during one of the other judge’s comments, I’d have enough money to replace Adam Lambert’s tired old not-so-skinny jeans! Or Lil Rounds a new wig (we’ll get to that later). More after the jump. JUMP!!!

Simon’s nipples were feeling extra chaffy, because the dumb ass producers decided it was a genius idea to only let two judges critique each contestant so they wouldn’t go over time. Simon does not like being silenced! The only time Simon likes to be gagged is when he’s down in his private dungeon with Gaycrest. I mean, who cares about what Randy and Kara DioWHYAREYOUSTILLHERE have to say? Randy is just going to mutter, “Dawg, for me, dawg, ur hot, for me, dawg, for me, dawg…” That’s it! I need Simon to speak, because the truth dribbles down his face onto his warm, luscious chichis. And Paula is always entertaining, because she likes to recite inspirational quotes she read at the bottom of her receipt after Chinese lunch. Example: “You dare to dance in the path of greatness.” That Vicodin tea must have been extra-strong last night.

Now on to the whores who sung for their LIVES! Last night’s theme was movie songs, but it was more like SNOOZY songs. Two whores sang a Bryan Adams’ song and another one belted out the cheesiest Aerosmith song of all time. It felt like I was sucking on a cheese dick the entire night. Yeah, gargle with that and let’s get it on!

Allison Iraheta “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” – Quentin Tarantino was their mentor and I kind of love watching him get all fangirly over this shit. Quentin really took his job seriously. I just wish he would’ve slapped Allison’s field of Manic Panic and told her not to sing this Hallmark diarrhea of a song! Many of us are still traumatized after being repeatedly ear raped by this song the year it came out. You know I would scrub Allison’s dirty panties in the sink if she asked me to, but even her voice couldn’t save that wreck! Although, Paula seemed to like it. She said Allison has that “special sauce” Adam has. Unicorn sperm?

Anoop Desai “Everything I Do” – At the end of every Anoop performance, the audience always cheers “Anoooooop” which totally sounds like “boooooo.” I join in every week only to realize a few seconds later that I’m alone in my booing. It’s embarrassing. Even my dog look at me with shame, because he’s an Anoop fan. I think I’m the only one who isn’t. Yeah, Anoop has a voice like a tall glass of cold Silk Soymilk, but he has the stage presence of a dead waterbug. Not to mention, that every week he dresses like a weekend-shift dressing room attendant at Aeropostale.

Adam Lambert “Born to be Wild” – And here we go. This was his chance to beckon me over to the glittery side. Adam could’ve made my gayness explode out of my ass on a blanket of rainbows if he had done something from Hedwig or Dreamgirls (HA!), but he chose Easy Rider. EASY RIDER. It was just as you would expect. If you ever wondered what a hyena would sound like while getting castrated with a rusty Phillips head screwdriver, just listen to Adam’s performance again. During that shit, a woman on a farm in Scotland woke up, because she thought her chickens were getting strangled. Adam’s screech did clean out my ears, though.

Matt Giraud “To Really Love A Woman” – I stared at his forehead mole the entire time thinking “Has that always been there?” Matt’s puberty warbling woke me up a few times, but really all I cared about was the mystery surrounding his mole. That basically sums it up.

Danny Chokey “Endless Love” – When I heard Danny was singing this song, I expected him to stroll on stage with a cardboard cutout of his dead wife so that he could serenade her. But actually he just ended up serenading himself back and forth which makes sense since he loves loves loves himself so much. The song is a duet for a reason! It was also kind of strange seeing him without glasses. It made me notice that one of his eyebrows is a lot bushier at the end than the other which threw me off. Because I would think Danny spent his nights painstakingly perfecting his eyebrows with a tweezer while fingering himself. You know, one of those kinds of freaks.

Kris Allen “Falling Slowly” – It’s like he was sweetly singing into my no-no. Oh, how I want to fall slowly onto his peeeeeeeen. It doesn’t matter what he sang, I just wanted to do the bunny hop on his crotch. Hey, Easter was just this past weekend, so it’s timely. But seriously, Kris gave the performance of a LIFETIME last night. Okay, I don’t really meant that. I’m just flirting with him.

Lil Rounds “The Rose” – Once again, my Tivo turned its back on me! Just when Lil was about to take off her wig and grease up her face to whoop a trick, it cut off! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I’ve been waiting for this moment, because I’m sick of those judges getting all on her ass about being authentic or some shit. No, she doesn’t shake that pussy for the lord the way Fantasia does, but her performance wasn’t a total boner killer. However, that wig was! Lil needs a wig-ervention! The crooked one she had on last night made her look like a hooker impersonating Trina so that she could charge 25 cents more for her handjobs. Dreadful!

And for the predictions!

Who will be sent to the firing squad? Lil Rounds, Allison (sigh) and Matt Giraud?
Who will be shot? Lil

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