Friar Nip Tuck

April 8, 2009 / Posted by:

Meet 66-year-old Rev. William Blasingame of Staten Island, NY. Rev. Willie faces up to 15 years in the chokey after he broke the 8th Commandment by stealing $85,000 from St. Paul’s Memorial Episcopal, the church where he worked.

Rev. Willie used the money on plastic surgery procedures, Botox shots, car insurance, pretty clothes, prescription meds and club memberships. I know it’s hard to believe that Rev. Willie’s beauty isn’t natural. It looks like Jesus himself put his hands on Willie’s face. His stunning looks burn my eyes. He has a face only the red light of an underground bath house could love.

Rev. Willie worked at the church for 30 years, but began stealing from the beautification (HA!) fund 4 years ago.

The New York Post says Rev. Willie obviously only used the money to make himself pretty, because his house looks like the inside of Wino’s crackhive. One church employee said there was animal shit and liquor bottles everywhere! They had to use 5 dumpsters to empty all the crap in his rectory. And I bet there’s a bunch of nasty crap in his rectum too. It had to be said.

Obviously, Rev. Willie doesn’t believing in the saying “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” But he does believe in “Plasticness is next to Godliness.”

Well, luckily Rev. Willie has that precious face. It will take him very far in prison. And by “very far,” I mean face first into a foam mattress.

And is it just me or does Rev. Willie sort of look like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds? I know. I need to go stick my head in a toilet.

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