American Idol: Just Declare Adam The Winner So We Can All Go Home

April 8, 2009 / Posted by:

Last night’s American Idol confirmed to me that Kara DioPLEASEFALLINAHOLE is fucking with this shit! The dumb bitch’s lock jaw is making it hard for her to get the words out fast enough thus making the show go over! Unlock that shit or hook your jaw up to the back of a truck and go home. Because the show went over, my raggedy Tivo didn’t record all of Adam Lambert’s performance. Kara is to blame. Or maybe the Idol producers pulled this trick out of their assholes to get us to watch the show live. Even if they gave me the phone number to Paula’s back alley pharmacist, I still won’t watch this fuckery live. Thank Cheesus for the internets, because I was able to see the performance everyone and their sperm donor was queefing glitter bombs over. So let’s dissect after the jump. JUMP!!!

Adam Lambert “Mad World” (above) – What’s the name for Adam’s superfans? Glitterheads? Glamberts? Drama Fags? Ravers? Whatever they call themselves, they have been trying to convert me since day one. It can’t be done. Whenever he performs, I feel like the set should be changing itself and I expect to see dancers wearing shiny costumes to prance about him. When he finishes singing, I’m all ready for him to break into a scene where he laments about his missing cow. I always turn around, because I expect to hear some loud ass old man complain about how his theater seat is making his Sciatica act up. It’s all very community theater meets a Meat Loaf video. And that’s who he kind of reminds me of. He’s like a fancier version of Meat Loaf made with brioche, lamb livers and a pinch LSD powder. Adam’s performance last night was straight out of Donnie Darko the Musical, but the judges’ ass lips tingled so much for it that they all stood up. Even Simon made his fur titties bounce for Adam by getting off his ass. And even though I’m not raising a glow stick to Adam, I still think he belongs in the top 2 with…

Allison Iraheta “I Can’t Make You Love Me” – You know how most of you have to eat your own hair to contain the excitement you feel for Adam? I feel the same way about Allison. I don’t know if it’s because she has the voice of a 45-year-old Reno, NV casino waitress who is addicted to Nicorette patches or because she wears all her clothes backwards. I just lo-lo-lo-love her. She makes me want to hung a banana until it explodes. I felt that her song last night was dedicated to everyone out there who keeps voting her in the damn bottom! Allison will never win this mess, but I hope she at least gets the chance to battle the Glitter King in the end.

Danny JOKEy “Stand By Me” – What tiki bar did I walk into?! I want to stand by Danny, just so I can push him off the stage. When are we all going to gather together as one and send Danny back to the Lens Crafters display case he came from?! Danny is just so 1992. Unfortunately, California Dreams is no longer on the air, because Danny was born to play the geeky janitor who constantly annoys the band by begging them to let him sing back-up “just once.”

Lil Rounds “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” – Yes, drunk drag queens in Minnesota do better Tina Turner impersonations, but there was something endearing about her performance last night. I think it was the kitchen ass wig on her head that looks like it was fished out from the Los Angeles River.

Kris Allen “All She Wants To Do Is Dance” – Wake me when he finally gets the memo and starts performing topless. Show them nipples!

Anoop Desai “True Colors” – Apparently his true color is fucking bright lime green! The only thing I could focus on was his striped-lime green cardigan! And his version of True Colors was not better than THIS ONE.

Matt Giraud “Part Time Lover” – This shit sounded like the time my chihuahua had a bad case of the hard shits and would screech every time a doody nugget was coming out. A screech that almost melted his poop! That’s what Matt sounded like and the judges fucking ate it up. They ate up melted poop.

Scott MacIntyre “The Search Is Over” – Just NO! Joel Osteen probably rocked out to this mess last night and that says everything. Scott made most Christian Rock music sound like the fucking Circle Jerks. It’s time for Scott to flutter away!

My bottom 3 prediction: Scott, Lil Rounds & Kris.
Who will be executed?: Scott

Video VIA Rickey

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