American Idol: Who Cares If You Can Sing?! You Look Like Shit!

April 1, 2009 / Posted by:

No, this picture is not of a one-girl tribute band to Tokio Hotel. It’s not even the broken condom baby of a Sanrio store and a Hot Topic store. It’s Allison looking like a Japanese Anime character vommed all over her. The judges just couldn’t seem to get past this last night and I just couldn’t get past how fucking stupid they are. I think Randy said, “blah…blah..blah….your outfit sucks, dawg!” or something like that. Okay, so she doesn’t look as glittery as one of Paula Abdul’s Vicodin pills, but bitch didn’t look that awful!

No, Allison’s “Don’t Speak” didn’t make me want to use my time to scour the internet to download an illegal copy of it, but it wasn’t the worst of the night. And all the judges could say is how she looked like a punk rock skunk after getting hit by a semi. Constructive criticism: they are doing it wrong.

It wasn’t surprising that they didn’t make any mention of Adam Lambert’s whole look. The bitch is looking more and more like a middle-aged female-to-male tranny doing a really bad impersonation of final days Elvis. No matter what Adam does, the judges will still crawl up his sparkle hole, steal his eggs and use that shit to impregnate themselves. Yeah, that’s why Simon’s chichis are looking more luscious than usual. He’s knocked up with Adam’s baby.

I mean, Paula Abdul even compared him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler!! D.A.R.E. just found the idea for their new campaign! Seriously, STEVEN TYLER?! More like MIA TYLER.

I can’t even explain the big gay lion’s performance of “Play That Funky Music” last night. I might have understood it if he performed it at Disneyland’s Tomorrow Land while I was high on acid. That bitch was screeching like someone was waxing his asshole with liquid nails. Put a butt plug in it, take a Valium and calm the fuck down. This is American Idol, not American AHHHHHdol.

Now on to predictions. This is actually kind of hard, because last night’s real theme was: SHIT! Sure, Kris Allen whispered sweet nothings into my peen hole, but nobody made me jizz in my chonies. But if I must guess:

Megan “Doesn’t Bring Me” Joy – It’s her time. I’ve had several servings of what she has to offer and spit up every last morsel. Megan has a voice that was meant to sing about dying hearts and cheating peens, not about rainbows and sunshine. Last night in heaven, Bob Marley emptied out his bong faster than normal after listening to Megan murder his song.. Bitch, take your happy ass shit elsewheres!

Anoop – Karaoke night is over. It’s time to get back to your dorm room, Anoop. Curfew is up!

The 3rd bottom spot will either go to Allison, Scott or the Timberlake wannabe. Whores might have liked Scott’s Olan Mills hair and his Billy Joel crooning, so my guess is that Allison will wrongfully be in the bottom.

They should keep all three of them and instead get rid of the most annoying gnat on that show: Kara DioSTFU. This ho actually said, “It’s like Studio 57 in here!” I have five words for Kara: PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE YOU STUPID CUNT. Yeah, I know that’s 6 words, but I’m using the Kara DioGuardi method of counting.

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