What’s Long, Douchey And Full Of Seamen?

John Mayer kicked off his annual Mayercraft Cruise in Long Beach, CA yesterday looking like he wandered in from the set of a 70s fuck flick called The Love Motorboat. John’s pussy does look tight, though. However, those shorty shorts are making his thighs look wonky as all fuck! It’s the way he’s standing, but one looks way bigger than the other. It’s like the douchefat from one of his thighs tried to escape and ended up getting stuck in the other. I have to go look in a mirror to make sure my thighs don’t do this, because you know how I like to work the nut cutters in the summertimes.

I’m sure this just one of many LOOKATMEMEMEME costumes John will wear while on the Tampon of the Sea’s 4-day cruise to Mehico. I also hope that for John’s sake they have a Twitterdiction support group on the motherfucking boat, because he will have to go hours without dropping his caca nuggets on the internet. Although, John totally shrugs off his obsession.

John recently told E! News that he’s just going through a phase, “It’s inherently silly and it’s inherently dumb. If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well…It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop. I don’t have a devotion to Twitter. I didn’t sell out to Twitter. You do Twitter until everybody gets off of Twitter and it’s something else you go and try out.”

I think one of those quotes got twisted in the wash, because what he really said was that he totally gets off on Twitter. He loves to have unprotected, dirty, nasty sex with his Twitter. Also, the whores that would think Twitter is the “pathway to spiritual enlightenment” don’t exist, because they spend hours trying to figure out how to turn on their computer before they finally fuck it off and go play with a leaf instead.

And John is also wrong about the poop comment. I’ve been posting shit on the internet long before I twittered.