American Idol: Simon Gives Paula A Moustache

March 26, 2009 / Posted by:

You know how there’s a trillion pictures on the internet of passed out drunk whores whose friends think it will be really hilarious to graffiti all over their face and shit? Well, that’s what Simon Cowell did to Paula Abdul on American Idol last night. Only her eyes were open. Yeah, she keeps ’em open whenever she passes out in a Vicodin haze. The Idol producers hired a professional to teach her how to do that, so nobody would know when she blacked out.

Simon brought out the Sharpie during Motown night, which always feels like I’m watching a 2-hour long commercial. Most of the songs should only be played during the couple’s reunion on Wife Swap.

But some of the whore’s made the best of it. Like that little tub of Manic Panic Allison Iraheta. Personally, I thought she gave the best performance of the night, but I’m afraid that she’s going to be the star of one of those “OMGSOSHOCKINGWHAT” eliminations coming up. I just want to take her scratchy voice and use it to smooth out the acne on Adam Lambert’s face. Adam should get her to sing a Janis Joplin song, so she could hit 60 on the grit-scale and sandblast those pimples right off his mug.

Speaking of Adam Laaaaambert the big gay lion, he nailed his K.D. Lang impersonation last night. He does K.D. better than she does herself (not like that). In fact, K.D. should quit whatever the hell she’s doing, move to Las Vegas and become an Adam Lambert impersonator. Second career calling!

I’m always on the dildo with Adam. Just when I start to sort-of like what he’s doing, the judges have to barf up all the gallons of jizz their body created while watching him perform. They need to calm down. They are making me not like him. Yes, his unicorn on helium voice is good sometimes, but the judges all want to shove themselves up his asshole, so that he can give birth to them. They should all run away together and just give Allison the fucking trophy. Also, I took a good look at his face last night and all I saw was a Max Factor factory.

As for who will be killed off tonight, I think it’s down to three little whores:

Megan Joy Dorkey – For once in my life I wanted my TV to kill itself. I’m re-watching her shit right now and my dog cannot take his eyes off the screen. I think he’s pulling a STAINS and is trying to use his eye powers to make her fucking stop! I like her voice, but she keeps singing all these Hallmark card songs. This bitch just doesn’t get it and for that, she needs to go be pretty somewhere else.

Michael Sarver – Why is he still here? Why are we being forced to sleep through his performances?

Scott MacIntyre – Scott is sweet. And his pink pants were sweeter, but fuck he’s as boring as lukewarm vegetable broth! When I say that I sleep through Sarver’s performances, I fall into a coma when Scott comes on.

My final guess is that Michael Sarver will be banished from the world tonight.

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