Alfie, You Are NOT The Father!!!!!!!

Little Alfie Patten, the 12-year-old with a face like a fetus, made all the headlines over the UK after it was reported that his infant sperm made a baby! 15-year-old Chantelle Stedman told Alfie that she was knocked up with their baby after he drove his car into her garage for the first time.

Chantelle said she was a virgin. Chantelle was lying. Chantelle was serving that vagina all around town like she was a Hilton. Chantelle is a slut. A slut with a baby. A 15-year-old slut with a baby. This is the part where we silently weep in the corner.

When the story hit, a mob of boys came forward saying they too tapped that shit without a condom. This made Alfie’s daddy demand a DNA test. This also made Jesus cry a river which temporarily flooded Britain. Luckily, Alfie managed to get in a paddle boat and he made his way to the DNA testing center. He was tested and there wasn’t a match. Alfie is NOT the father. And if you didn’t read that in a Maury Povich voice, then you need to watch more TV.

The rumor is that when Chantelle’s daddy found out she was knocked up. He decided that they should say Alfie is the father, because the boy looks like he’s a toddler who doesn’t even have fur on his privates yet. Chantelle’s daddy knew this would cause a media shit storm and they would be able to cash in. Um. We’re going to need a second DNA test on Chantelle’s daddy, because I’m 99.99999% sure that he’s related to Papa Joe Simpson.

The Mirror says Alfie is devastated about the news. Aw, the poor lil’ baby waby waby. I hope his parents stick a warm bottle in his mouth, hand him a teddy bear and softly tell him that one day the stork will bring him a baby friend of his very own. After that, they should stick a cork in his peen hole so this never happens again!

And the line for DNA testing to determine Chantelle’s real baby daddy starts at noon. Bring a sleeping bag and a granola bar.