Kim Zolciak Shits On Her Own Charity

March 21, 2009 / Posted by:

The wig tomb known as Kim Zolciak co-founded her own charity, Shoes for Shattered Hearts, which sells used shoes to help battered women. The charity’s first event is taking place tonight at Monkee’s of Sugarloaf and Kim was supposed to make a special appearance since she’s such a fucking star and all. However, Kim has backed out of the event because she needs to devote time to her favorite charity of all: her stupid fucking whore self! says Kim went off to the Bahamas and her friend added, “Kim has gone out of town for some mental R&R .” Riddle me this: Kim needs rest from what exactly? Is the biggest wig rehabilitation center in the Bahamas or something? Somebody please cut down a tightrope and whip this trick with it.

The event’s organizer doesn’t think this is cute, she said, “It’s a sucker punch to the stomach. But my goal is to get shoes to these women. I hope we get more boxes of shoes than we know what to do with.”

You know, they shouldn’t even have announced Kim wasn’t going to be there. I mean, all they have to do is scrounge the nearest back alley for a mangy mutt. Give him a juicy bone and while he’s eating it, brush him a few times. Then take the raggedy, flea-infested hair from the brush, compile it into a little ball and set it on top of a chair at the event! Nobody would be the wiser. Fake Kim would even be more interesting to talk to than real Kim.

And for a special treat, they can get “Kim” to sing for her guests! Just plop a microphone up to the hairball and play this over the loudspeakers. Crisis averted!

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