Let’s Not Do This

I would rather share an order of hot breadsticks and conversation with Tim Gunn at Olive Garden than have to shank up his precious pepaw face in a bathroom at Rawhide. But Tim really is giving me no choice. You see, this bitch has revealed his silvercrush and it’s none other than MAH BOO ANDERSON COOPER. The horror!

Timmy told OK! Magazine that his powdered donut hole crinkles for Andy because, “He’s fabulous!” Timmy went on to say, “We’ve actually been trying to have lunch for a year and a half. Both of us are so busy that we haven’t been successful doing it, but we exchange e-mails.”

Oh, Timmy. I’m about to e-mail you a very special file entitled “Mah Boo Naked and Doing the Dick Slappy Dance.” Download it to every single device you have used to e-mail with Mah Boo. Do this now. It’s special. (For the viewers at home I’m sending him a virus to stop this before it starts).

Seriously, doesn’t Timmy want a Gayken? Or maybe a Lance Bass? Why a Mah Boo? Doesn’t he know that two silverheads can’t work! Even if you make it work. It still doesn’t work. That’s too much shine for one couple. And when they bump steel wool bushes, it may cause chaffing. Neither of them want that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go slap a Klum and kick a Kors.