American Idol: The One Where Paula Abdul Declares Everybody The Winner!

March 11, 2009 / Posted by:

I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul’s Coke cup. I’m guessing it’s a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake, a drop of Skat Kat’s jizz and a spoonful of leche from Simon’s fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!

Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. She had no idea what the hell kind of words were coming out of her mouth. The Skat Kat in her head was talking too damn fast and it was confusing her. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill. Actually, I think every did, because whores left and right were foaming at the asshole over him. I’m trying so hard to love him, but it’s not working out for me. I sniff a bottle of Urban Decay nail polish and force myself to bust nuts over him, but it doesn’t work. He’s a little too Wentzy for me. But I wouldn’t be mad if he won. He’s a million times better than a lot of those other weepy ass skanks.

Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch? Every contestant is more boring than the last. Half of those dudes are the same person. Gokey Allen Giraud Sarver! Throw them in a pot, put a lid over it, set it and then FORGET IT.

Since my brain has already zapped out most of last night’s performance, let’s go over the whores who will probably go back to working at Hot Dog on a Stick (delicious). Two fools are going home tonight, so I’m guessing there will be a bottom 4. These are my guesses:

Jasmine: She seems like a nice girl. I’d eat a bowl of Lucky Charms with her, but unless you’ve got a Bratz doll fetish, she’s just all sorts of MEH.
Jorge: Even Jorge knows he’s being sent to the irrelevant factory. This gives me the sads inside, because think of what his eyebrows could be. I just want to jump on his chest and go to pluck city.
Scott: I picked him, because I really can’t remember who the hell he is.
Kris: Bitch needs to give us what we want already! We want fully nude performances! And Simon’s right, drop the wife. It’s not a good look.

I’m probably totally wrong with the bottom 4, because I do believe that the two Js (Jorge and Jasmine) will be shuffling off tonight.

But seriously, we need to quit delaying the inevitable and declare the true American Idol: Jasmine’s mother’s wig. Come to terms with that fact! I voted for it at least 300 times yesterday. It’s funny that each call I made for Lisa Murray’s wig ended with a happy ending. That’s a sign.

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