DWTS: A Postcard From Hell

March 10, 2009 / Posted by:

Last night’s premiere of Dancing with the Sores gifted me with the most horrific image that is now burned into the side of my brain. This is what I will see hanging over my bed of nails in my cell in Hell. There will be a frame made out of CROCS surrounding it.

Why did that hot dick from Sex and the City have to run his finger in between CHERYL BURKE’S stale donut balls? You know she put him up to that illegal shit. Horny ass CHERYL BURKE was practically foaming at the mop head over him. I’m pretty sure that next week she’s going to choreograph a dance which involves her licking his taint. Mop Head is so transparent. I just want to wring the filth out of her! And there’s a lot.

The rest of the episode played out like an episode of fucking Identity. Even when they played their bios, you still had no fucking idea who the bitch was. Like that boring fucking ho from The Bachelor who I just want to forget. This ho made Holly Madison look like the most accomplished whore in the world. You know it’s a fucking mess when Harold Wheeler, the musical director, is more famous than one of the stars. Of course, the bitch was good. First of all, her ass is a damn ra-ra cheerleader. Second of all, she doesn’t have a damn job so she can fucking practice all day and all night! It’s not fair. But I hope the producers get wise and dump her ass in the next couple of weeks. And you know they are going to bring Jason back on to do the honors. They are milking that Bachelor shit.

As for the whores who didn’t cause my eyes to roll like I was fucking Wino after a heroin fix, there were only two. That was Lil’ Kim and The Woz. My eyes didn’t roll with Lil’ Kim, because they were too busy trying to figure out her face. HER FACE. I just want to throw a q-tip at her and watch her go crazy. She’s like a surprised cat 24-hours a day. If you threw a sombrero on her head and placed her on the It’s A Small World ride at Disneyland, nobody would even suspect she doesn’t belong. Because of this, she’s actually entertaining to watch. And I’m just waiting for the day her face finally pops off and goes flying through the studio like a frisbee.

Now for The Woz. The Woz! He’s like Teddy Ruxpin on massive amounts of ludes after getting a 20-man train ran on him. From his first step to his last, my mouth was wide open. It was a fucking glorious wreck. He needs to do weddings and funerals. And the fact that he was paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice made it even better. The Woz better win this shit or at least stay until the end. The world needs to see him shake that hairy bear ass during the mambo. Click here if you missed this beautiful disaster.

My prediction on who is going back to irrelevancy next week is: Denise Richards or Belinda Carlisle
My prediction on who CHERYL BURKE will work her black magic on next is: Holly Madison

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