There’s good news and truly horrific awful bad news. The good news is that it looks like Asswipe Simpson’s “music” career is still stuck between two rock hard butt nuggets in the toilet. The nightmare-inducing bad news it that because of this, she’s going to be on the new Melrose Place. And my Tivo just threw itself out the window.
Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly says that Bronx Mowgli’s mommy will play Violet, a small-town girl with a nose made out of old Barbie parts, on Melrose Place 2.0. The character sounds a lot like Sydney Andrews. This hurts. This is like redoing Dynasty and casting Tori Spelling as Alexis. Shove the curling iron deeper into my ass, The CW.
So far the cast includes some whores named Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady. Mischa Barton is still in talks to take one of the other roles. Producers are also trying to get Heather Locklear to return as Amanda. To which I say, “Stay the mother fuck away from this epic shit show, Heather!” Seriously, if she joins this caca party, not only will she be back to swallowing pill bottles whole, but she’ll probably turn to fucking crack in order to deal. No, Heather. Amanda Woodward would never ever approve.
Why does The CW hate us so much? WHY?! Asshole Simpson on Melrose Fucking Place?! Methinks they really are trying to go down in history as the network with the show that got canceled the fastest. Because if Asshole and Mischa are on the same damn show, the plug will be pulled before the first commercial break of the first episode. And God will be holding the plug, because he’s not going to let a travesty like this go on in the world. Fuck fuck no.