America’s Next Top Model: I Can’t Go Back To Buffalo!

March 5, 2009 / Posted by:

This shit contains spoilers from last night’s America’s Next Top Model, so slide down Ty Ty’s tenhead to the exit if you don’t want to know anything. So….

Every season, without fail, Ty Ty cuts the bitch I feel closest to on episode one. The object of my affection this season is Angelea, the hoodrat from Buffalo. Angelea didn’t even make it into the house! But I cherish our time together. I knew we were one of the same when she quoted the profound Jade: “This is not America’s Next Top Best Friend.” Angelea also told Ty Ty that she wanted to be a model so bad that she slept in Port Authority in NYC, because she had nowhere to go. Bitch should have shouted a “hoody hoo” and I would’ve come running to bring her to my apartment. She an open invitation here. We can sip on some Zin and 7Up while watching Woo.

Of course, someone had to “pull” at Angelea’s buttons, because they were obviously jealous of her skills. That evil bitch Sandra immediately went after Angelea! I’m sort of glad she did, because then I was able to see Angelea doing what she does best: talking shit! After Sandra finally realized who was the head bitch in charge was and backed off, Angelea went off to her photo shoot where she posed as the Goddess of Love. Angelea worked that shoot like the back rent was due and the eviction notice was on the door. Not really, but in my mind she did.

After the shoot, Angelea and her stunning nails went to be depressed together away from that skank Sandra. Angela should have just stared at her nails and that would have put her in a better mood. I’m pretty sure 10 scenes from first episode of The Gummi Bears was painted on her nails. Looking at that will cheer anybody up!

Fuck that Top Model shit! Angelea is going straight to the silver screen. There is a remake of B*A*P*S in the works somewhere that has Angelea’s name on it!

And that girl Allison is totally not human. She has to be some kind of alien marmoset or something.

I leave you with the Goddess of Kararararazy serving up a hot plate of roasted ham with all the fixings. If you look closely, you can see ripples in the water. That’s the pool giving her the side eye.

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