The Bachelor: Jason Needs Acting Lessons

March 3, 2009 / Posted by:

SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve was absolutely 100% cor-fucking-rect with his spoiler . On last night’s low-rent soap opera known as The Bachelor, Jason dumped Molly, proposed to Melissa, dumped Melissa and then chose Molly. Yeah, confusing and totally fucking stupid. The whole thing really played out like the worst soap opera ever. This shit isn’t even worthy of public access.

First of all, if they wanted to bring the drama and raw emotion, they should have chosen a better actor, because Jason’s acting skills are whack! His son Ty can probably do a better job of fake crying. Note to Jason: When crying, tears have to be involved. It just looked like he was trying to push out a really big and dry butt nugget. They should have smeared onion paste in his beady eyes or maybe got Stephanie to serenade him again with her beautiful humming bird voice.

It became clear that the whole thing was set up when Molly kept crying about how he made the worst mistake of his life and he’s going to regret this shit. Ooooh, foreshadowing. Why so clever, Bachelor producers?

And millions of people learned about Jason’s “regret” on the After the Rose special. Chris Harrison started the hour by telling us what we were about to watch was so sensitive and so intimate that they decided out of respect for all parties involve to shoot it without a studio audience. Yeah, really fucking intimate. Only millions of people are watching.

So, stupid ass Jason came out and said that after spending time with DeAnna 2.0 (aka Melissa), he realized they weren’t right for each other. Again, Jason makes Teddy Ruxpin look like Meryl Streep. He needs John Robert Powers STAT! Then Melissa came out, Jason broke it off with her and she proceeded to show him up in the acting department. Finally some People Choice Award-worthy shit! I even think Melissa went off the script and ad-libbed a little! She’s a true professional. That’s probably why there were so many pauses, because Jason didn’t hear his pick-up line.

After Melissa and Jason played out their scene, she gave the ring back and stormed off into a waiting limo. Then Molly came out, Jason asked her to be his and they lived happily ever after. When Molly said, “Is this for real now?”, I shouted, “Shut up, bitch.

For the record: Jason told People that he wanted to quit Melissa off-camera, but producers said it was in his contract that it had to be done in front of everybody.

Some bitches think Jason and the Bachelor producers were the only ones in on the fakery, but I think Melissa and possibly Molly were in on it. They realized this season was about as exciting as a dehydrated lima bean, so they concocted this dramatic shit to keep us awake. A more dramatic ending would have been if a gigantic tidal wave hit the house and took all of those fake ass whores out.

I’m sure that on tonight’s third reunion show (yes, there’s another one), Jason will dump Molly and propose marriage to the dead dove he buried with Naomi’s family.

Below is a clip of Jason’s amazing acting skills. And what was up with that set?! All those cheap ass tea lights! Fire hazard! Actually, I would’ve clapped if the whole joint went up in flames.

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