Last night, I was forced to watch American Idol without having the ability to fast forward through suckery and commercials. That shit should be used as a torture device. For real. I haven’t been the same since.
Honestly, these skanks should not get to pick their own songs. Maroon 5? Coldplay? Hell no. It’s never going to work. They should sing nursery rhymes, because they have the brains of toddlers. No offense to toddlers.
There were two whores that the judges busted nuts over. The first was 16-year-old Allison Irawhatever. When Gaycrest was interviewing her ass before she performed, homegirl acted like she just downed a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She was on a 15-second delay and not making sense. Then, she got up, took the stage and screamed the fuck out of Heart’s Alone. No wonder bitch is alone, because she screams so damn much. Bitches can’t be around her, because she hurts their ears. And she looks like the broken condom baby of Kelly Clarkson and Natasha Lyonne trying to do a Lily Allen impersonation and failing. Yes, I would have let Allison paint my nails with black glitter polish in high school, but I wasn’t amused with her shit last night. But I also have a close relationship with Heart’s Alone, because that is my karaoke JAM! Allison’s performance needed more jazz hands. That’s what that song is all about. Who knows? Her voice isn’t that bad. She may grow on me. I’m open to it.
Adam Lambert also made the judges queef out compliments. Adam can sing, but the queen needs to turn down the drama. You could skipper dinner after Adam’s performance, because he served up a giant honey baked H.A.M. And was Randy sipping on Paula’s crazy tea? Randy told Adam that he was kind of like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. The hell? Maybe a hybrid of Robert Smith (today) and Paddington Bear, but sparkly RPattz? Never EVER.
The third spot MUST go to the amazing Norman Gentle. Richard Simmons proper! Norman knows this whole pony show is a damn joke and I’m in love with him because of that. Clip below: