The Real Housewives Of OC: “L.I.F.E. With Vicki” Is A Sinking Ship

February 11, 2009 / Posted by:

It was business as usual on last night’s Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County. Jeana and her hairy gay escorted her daughter to Berkley and gaped at the “bummers.Gretchen went on another vacation to get away from all “the stress” she’s suffering due to her sick sugar pepaw. And Lynne continued to be the dumbest piece of greasy beef jerky in the county.

As for Droopy Dog’s doppleganger, she hosted a cruise for her new company called L.I.F.E. with Vicki. HA. It REALLY stands for lunatic in fugly earrings.

Vicki’s cruise was basically a nightmare at sea. It was 8 hours in an ugly cruise ship conference room with Vicki talking about how she became a huge success by selling life insurance. Yeah, bitch is the Ron Popeil of the dead money business. I’m surprised the boat didn’t fucking sink from her one hundred ton ego. The next time that bitch has a cruise, I am totally there. Not because I actually care about life insurance, but because getting drunk and watching Vicki possibly eat the floor will make my life’s dream come true.

The fifth housewife, Tamra, traveled to Iowa with her rapey-eyed son to visit her estranged daddy. Tamra really brought out the raw emotion while bonding with her daddy, but unfortunately for her, the spotlight was stolen by Cousin Nancy. This bitch is so fucking sophisticated that I could smell Kools and White Shoulders wafting off of her and through my screen. Somehow, Cousin Nancy was able to pry herself away from her usual hooking spot at the truck stop to join everyone for dinner. Rapey Ryan immediately attached himself to her. He was practically dropping GHB into her mouth with his eyes. And she was dropping them right back.

Ryan knew he was no match for Cousin Nancy in the creepy as fuck department when she told him she had a mouse. When they couldn’t find it, she grinned and said, “pussy must have ate it.” Signed, sealed, delivered! Throw this bitch on the back of a semi-truck headed for the O.C. This fine lady neeeeeeds to be the next housewife. Seriously, if only you could bottle elegance like this. Clip below:

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