The Morning After

The new Bobby Brown, Chris Brown (wait, are they related), turned himself into the police last night for allegedly smacking down an “unidentified chick.” I’ve got a little of the Sylvia Browne power in me, so I’m going to predict that the victim’s name begins with an R and ends with an ihanna. I know, my SLYCIC powers are astounding. So, Chris was booked and released on $50,000 bail shortly after turning himself in.

Even though RiRi hasn’t been confirmed as the victim, the security guard at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles told the NYDN that he saw the alien princess entering the joint for treatment. She left a little while later.

A source said that Ike and Tina ’09 were fighting inside the car and RiRi got out to walk the fuck home. She probably said “shut up and drive” and he wouldn’t (sorry). The source went on to say, “Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises.” RiRi’s glorious tenhead better be pristine or I will never stick a piece of Doublemint gum in my mouth again.

There’s a few rumors as to why Chris busted a fist on her royal alienness. One source claims RiRi accused him of checking out whores at a party. Another source claims RiRi gave Chris the Wonky McValtrex Virus (aka herpes). I’m not sure about the herpes defense. If everyone in Hollywood slapped a ho for giving them the herp, that town would be filled with busted up, beat down skanks. Oh, wait…. It kind of is…..

I’m sure today will bring many answered questions. Chris is already practicing how to cry on cue during his apology interview to Ty Ty Banks (I pray Ty Ty gets the interview). And RiRi is already shooting a PSA for battered alien princesses.

And I am the only one who thought it was ironic that RiRi’s Grammy performance was replaced by Al Green singing “Let’s Stay Together“?