This Is Going To Be Painful

February 7, 2009 / Posted by:

Well, here’s yet another reason for me to find a way to program my TV to only show original shows from the 80s and 90s, because 2009 is bringing us more grade A SHIT. I guess I shouldn’t be fucking shocked and appalled that The CW is actually going through with the Melrose Place remake. I was hoping that after they sobered up, they realized the mistake they were making. No.

Michael Ausiello at EW got a hold of the casting breakdown and looking at my ass wipe marks on a piece of toilet paper is more enjoyable than reading about these boiled broccoli characters. Judge Judy for yourself:

The new Jake and Amanda are… David Patterson and Ella Flynn. He’s Melrose royalty, the now-grown son of the original Jake, with the taut abs and thick black book to prove it. She’s his omnisexual sometime lover, a PR whiz whose tongue is as sharp as her stilettos.

The new Billy and Allison are… Jonah Miller and Riley Richmond. He’s a Kevin Smith wannabe whose obsession with his movies is unlikely to give him a happy ending with his sickly-sweet schoolteacher fiancee — especially when she takes a shine to the glamorous life he loathes.

The new Matt is… Auggie Kirkpatrick. A hunky hippie, this recovering alcoholic is willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. No word on whether the word sucker will be tattooed on Debbie Downer’s forehead, but come on…

The new Jane is… Lauren Bishop. Sort of an anti-Michael, this straight-arrow med student falls on such hard times that she’s forced to pull a Sydney and trade sexual favors for financial ones.

The new Sydney is… Violet Foster. Though she’s fresh off the turnip truck, this small-town teen already has a worldly-wise m.o.: play the sex kitten till you’re ready to bare your claws.

Gross, right? We all could come up with better characters during just one Happy Hour and that’s the truth. If Sydney came back from the dead and strolled into Melrose Place with Amanda Woodward on one arm and Kimberly Shaw on the other, this fuckery might have a chance.

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