Vadge Is Jealous Of Lourdes

In this week’s OK! Magazine they have a story about evil witch Vadge being jealous of her 12-year-old daughter’s youth and beauty. This is some serious Snow White shit. I guess that makes A-Rod Dopey. When Vadge says, “Mirror mirror on the wall…Who’s the-“, the mirror cuts her off and says, “Bitch, don’t embarrass yourself.”

A source tells the magazine that Vadge knows Lourdes is going to grow up to be a hot bitch and dudes will soon start paying her some attention. This worries Vadge since she wants to be the one that dicks bark for. The source went on to say, “Knowing Madonna’s taste for younger guys, it’s a matter of course that they’ll be dating men the same age. It’s disturbing.”

Vadge wants to keep Lourdes’ beauty caged, so at a UNICEF event last year, the mean bitch refused to let a hairdresser work on her daughter’s hair. A nosy bitch said that Vadge “probably didn’t want her daughter to look better than her.” Er. That feat is not hard to beat. I just picked a crusty caca ball from my eye that is sexier than Vadge.

And as for the hot pocket topic known as Lourdes’ caterpillar eyebrows, Vadge is the one who refused to let her daughter get that shit bush whacked. Eventually, Vadge couldn’t fight the battle anymore and allowed Lourdes to get them shaped, claims the source.

Sorry, Vadge. As a wise woman named Cristal Connors once said, “There’s always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.” You can’t fight the hot. And Lourdes should really watch out, because it’s only a matter of time before Vadge tries to steal the hot right off of her.

And as for Lourdes’ current eyebrow situation: needs more Sharpie.