So That’s His Secret!

January 31, 2009 / Posted by:

Here is picture proof that vitamin weed does a body damn good. They better stock extra bags of Funyuns at the next Olympics, because that joint is going to be filled with stoners who think the key to winning 14 gold medals lies in their bong.

The News of the World got a hold of this picture of the dolphin boy Michael Phelps getting oral with a bong during a party weekend last November in Columbia, South Carolina. Neptune’s son was there to visit a chick he was seeing named Jordan Matthews, but he spent the entire time drunk and stoned. That’s what bitches who witnessed it said.

I always knew we were soulmates, I just let his Quasimodo face get in the way. I won’t anymore.

One of the bitches who was at one of the parties told Star Magazine, “At one point someone asked him if he wanted to smoke some weed. Michael didn’t hesitate and headed to a small back room, where he was immediately handed a big red bong. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and ripped a huge smelly bong rip. He knew exactly what he was doing. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming the backstroke.”

Did you just jizz in your pants too after reading that shit? I love a dude who knows how to work that bong.

The News of the World claims that Michael’s spokeswhore, Clifford Bloxham, basically got on his knees and begged them not to run the picture. He promised that Michael would become a columnist for them for the next 3 years, get his sponsors to advertise with them and even host events. Hah. What kind of columnist? Was he going to write a weekly column on how to do the backstroke while riding on the green cloud? I’d read it.

The power of the weed might turn Michael Phelps into a powerful dolphin man who can swim faster than any living thing on earth. However, the power of the weed just turns me into a powerful TV watcher and nachos eater who can watch 5 straight hours of HSN without even moving. Is there an Olympic event for that?

And with a little daily toke from his bong, Michael can have a Chico’s kind of day every day!

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