Jessica Is Lovin’ It

January 29, 2009 / Posted by:

I didn’t mean that in a McDonald’s way. Okay, yes I did, but I also meant that Jessica Simpson is absolutely busting pussy Whoppers over all the attention she’s getting about this FAT shit.

Last night during my nightly ritual of watching all those entertainment shows while eating a nutritious snack (a microwaved powdered donut with Hershey syrup on top), I almost chucked at all the Jessica Simpson coverage. That damn picture of her smothered crotch kept flashing on my screen. It almost made me quit my donut, but I could never do that. Not in this economy!

During one of the shows, they even showed a “Jessica Simpson body timeline.” Fucking ridiculous. The only person I wanted to hear from about this subject was my mom. This is what she said: “Um….No. She’s not fat. Just a little thick, maybe. A little big-boned. Kind of juicy. She could eat more vegetables.” Case closed.

And you know Papa Joe hasn’t left the house in days. He tries to, but he can’t stop the orgasms from all the attention. It’s like a sea of Papa Joe semen up in that house. He turns on the TV, sees Kathie Lee talking about his daughter and BOOM! There pops another one.

Anyway, here’s Jessica frowning on the outside, but running through a meadow of Pop Tarts on the inside while arriving at some place in Virginia last night.

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