TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras is a reality shit show about the creepy and fucked up world of child beauty pageants. These little girls make The Real Housewives look like low-maintenance natural beauties. These kiddies get spray tans, hair weaves and fake toe-nails glued on. By the time they are 12, they are going to have third-degree acne and their real hair is going to stop growing. They are also going to have permanent Joker smiles.
The real stars of the show are the weird ass parents. I feel like I knew each and every one of them in high school. They were the girls who ate boogers and asked everyone to smell her farts, but also auditioned for the cheerleading squad and campaigned for homecoming queen. They grew up and stopped eating their boogers, but still want to be the most popular girl in the room and that’s why they whore out their girls in beauty pageants. They are living vicariously through them.
My favorite crazy parent is the multi-talented and charismatic Stacey Alley (above). I don’t have to say much about her, because her awesomely amazing performance will tell you everything. It may also make your wet yourself so watch out for that.
Substitute her baton for an umbrella and Stacey would be straight out of RiRi’s Umbrella video. Stacey didn’t win the top prize, but I think the judges were secretly jealous of her professional moves and they were taking their jealousy out on her. H8RS.
Secondly, here’s the ultra straight and ultra masculine David Perez. David is married to a biological woman with a vagina. The two somehow had intercourse and a daughter was conceived. David should win Miss Big Imagination in a pageant, because homegirl has amazing powers. He is able to turn his wife into Vin Diesel! I mean, how else did he fuck her? I need to stop. David is a bigger lady than I will ever be and I’m jealous of that.