Dear Salma, He’ll Only Take Your Magnificent Chichis For Granted

January 27, 2009 / Posted by:

In 2004, Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell made a shit show together called Ask the Dust. Never heard of it? That’s because it’s busy collecting dust in the back of every Blockbuster video that’s still open (insert grim face here). While they were filming Blockbuster’s future least-rented movie, they got it on. It didn’t last long, because Colin was a busted mess back then.

Colin now claims he’s all cleaned up and is ready to romance Salma a second time. Star Magazine (via TOTI) says that at the Golden Globes a couple of weeks ago, Colin got close to Salma’s golden globes. Some nosy ho said, “While they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not just like they were pals.”

Salma, Salma, Salma, never get involved with a Colin Farrell. He will never worship your holy tittays the way they deserve to be worshiped. Just let him motorboat for a few seconds, squirt a little Palmolive in his hair (please do that), give him some cab money and send him on his way.

Seriously, Salma deserves someone who will recite sweet poetry to her chichis every night. And bathe them in cocoa butter every morning. Someone who will skip with them through fields of flowers and gently hold them when they get frightened during a lightning storm. Someone who will bow every time they enter a room and weep every time they exit.

Colin won’t do any of that. He’ll just say, “You’ve got nice tits. Can I drop my jizz party on them, babe?” Blasphemy!

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