Wearing this dress is only acceptable if the year is 1987, you live in Arkansas, your name is Destiny and you accessorize this shit with a broken condom baby in your stomach and a six-pack of Natty Ice as your wedding bouquet. Oh and some Whitesnake song better be the wedding march. This dress also works if you’re my abuelita and you’re wearing it on your head to Sunday mass.
Okay, I know this is Miss America and all, but Katie Stam from Indiana should have not been crowned while wearing this dress. She didn’t even wear the right shoes! Only exquisite lucite heels could properly compliment this elegant ensemble. It’s like her mom bought this dress when she was a little girl and said, “One day my baby will wear this gorgeous gown to the shotgun wedding of her dreams!” Unfortunately, the shotgun wedding hasn’t happened yet, so she wore it to the Miss America pageant instead. This dress just confirmed that the whole Miss America crap is still sitting comfortably in the mid 1980s and refuses to move. It kind of sucks that I missed the whole mess on TV. It always makes for good entertainment while you’re bonging.
And try to look a little bit surprised when SHOCKING pictures of our new Miss America are discovered on her Facebook in a couple of months.