Why are the Girl Scouts doing this to me? Why are they killing me softly by putting less delicious bites of heaven into cookie each box? Why are they so evil?! They might as well deep fry me and throw me towards Aretha Franklin to put me out of my misery. This is fuck fuck fuckery beyond fuckery. I knew I couldn’t trust those little bitches.
The Girl Scouts of America have stuck a rusty knife into my throat by announcing that there will be fewer Thin Mints, Do-si-dos and Tagalongs in boxes this year. Lucky for them, they didn’t fuck with Samoas or there really would’ve been a shank fight. For real.
The Dallas News say the reason for the changes? The fucking economy. They have to cut costs. UGH! Always blaming our caca economy. One of the HBICs of the Girl Scouts said, “We aren’t talking about a drastic change. We are just talking about a couple cookies.”
No, we’re talking about the difference between life and death. Think about it. What if you’re happily chomping away on your last box of Thin Mints, savoring each one. Before you know it, your hand goes into the box and you feel nothing. You’ve eaten them all. According to your calculations, you had two left. But you completely forgot those evil Girl Scouts left two out on purpose. You weren’t prepared for this. You panic. You tear your house in two to find more. You call everyone you know. Nothing. You even take a piece of peppermint gum and stuff it into an Oreo, but it’s not the same thing. Suddenly you realize that the only reasonable option is suicide. It’s the only way to stop the pain. You see, life and death.