Dakota Fanning Might Get To Frolic Through Robert Pattinson’s Magical Forest Hair

Yes, I know that’s an old picture of Robert Pattinson and that he’s chopped down his magical forest since, but I’m going to pretend he didn’t do that. It almost brings tears to my eyes to think of all the homeless unicorns out there. And my skin is allergic to tears, so it’s best that I try not to cry.

So, Marc Malkin at E! says nearly 15-year-old Dakota Fanning is having conversations with the producers of the Twilight sequel about being in that mess. A source said they offered her the role of Jane described as “ a member of Italy’s Volturi, the most deadly group of bloodsucking killers.” A casting notice says Jane is a petite blonde with a “Botticelli angel-like face…[and] crimson irises.” So I guess Dakota will see undead people instead of dead ones? Wait. I’m confusing my child stars.

Since I basically know nothing about this Twilight shit, I asked my resident Twilight-aholic about this casting decision. The bitch bust nuts when he sees apples now, because it reminds him of Twilight. He screamed over IM (I had to cover my eyes), “YES!! YES! yes! O FUCK YES!” And then his next IM read: “But Morgan Fairchild would have been better.” I haven’t even read one word from a Twilight book and I couldn’t agree more. Morgan Fairchild makes everything so much better.

And thanks to Kathy Griffin, every time I see Dakota Fanning, I picture her with a crack pipe.