Mickey Rourke Has Really Made It

Hatchetface Rourke is on the top of the world! He has a Golden Globe award, he’s going to be in that Iron Man 2 shit, he will most likely get an Oscar nomination and now he has the love of lunatic with a gold-plated heart named Bai Ling! And by “love” I mean she probably just gave him a hand job and maybe an ass lip tickle. Page Six says that at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, the two “made out and partied pretty hard.”

Bai Ling is definitely the loon for Mickey. I mean, she’s the only one who can probably stomach waking up to his fish jerky face. I’m sure she’s woken up to worse. Remember that fake Bigfoot? Yeah, I think she hit that.

I also would love this union because I need to see Bai walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Everyone was so damn normal at the Golden Globes and the wrecks in chiffon must return! The mess of all messes Sally Kirkland has been M.I.A. on red carpets for a while, so Bai Ling needs to take her place.

By the way, don’t tell Bai she was really making out with Mickey. I think she thought she was still making out with the fake Bigfoot. She is really starting to have feelings for him and it will break her little heart if she finds out the truth.