Lily Van Der Woodsen Will Never Be Julie Richman

The Gossip Girl spin-off is really happening and it sounds like The CW wants to beat the record for the fastest canceled show in the history of television. They are centering the new show on a teenage Lily van der Woodsen growing up in 1980s Los Angeles during the whole “valley girl” craze. Gag me, gag them, gag everyone involved in this shit.

The plot will involve Lily running away from her parents and moving in with her bad sister in the San Fernando Valley. The description released by Warner Bros. goes on to say, “Caught between two worlds, Lily dives into the fast-paced Sunset Strip and the Hollywood lifestyle of the ’80s, journeying over the hill to a world of wealth and excess that used to be her own.”

The pilot will air on May 11th.

I will watch this crap if these things happen: Loryn from Valley Girl must be Lily’s slutty best friend and Pia Zadora must play her as a teenager. They must use the phrases “fer shur” and “tubular to the max” as much as possible. Stacey Q must play the high school drama teacher and perform “Shy Girl” during an impromptu cafeteria fashion show in each episode. And L.A. Looks must be an official sponsor and the hair must reflect this.