I accidentally ran into the Critics Choice Awards on Vh1 last night at the perfect perfect time. It’s like some supreme being (Maddox) touched my hand and softly guided me towards a moment they knew I could not miss.
The moment started with Ben Stiller announcing the winner for Best Actress. St. Angie Jo did not win. Surprisingly, the venue’s support beams did not break, forcing the entire joint to crash into a pile of dust and rubble. Instead, it was a tie between Anne Hathaway for that movie about a piece of trash at a wedding and Meryl Streep for that movie about holy child touching. They were probably hoping for a Devil Wears Prada reunion, but that shit didn’t happen, because Meryl Streep was a no-show. This might have been a blessing, because if she did show, this moment probably would have never happened!
During Anne Hathaway’s frantic, frazzled, 8-year-old girl on meth speech, the camera kept panning to St. Angie’s face… HER FACE! If looks could kill virgin angels, this would be it. I wish I could bottle her smugness and spray it on my face whenever I am not amused. It was a dazzling moment. I learned that wax figure gods can give cuntface! No wonder Anne Hathaway acted so cracked the fuck out. Angie kept giving her the “my shit don’t stank, but yours does” look. Anne’s insides were slowly rotting away from St. Angie’s stares of DEATH! Or maybe Anne just mixed her Adderall and Ephedrasil. Probably the latter.
I really hope Anne wins at the Golden Globes this Sunday and that they install a StAngieCam to capture every single one of Angie Jo’s smirks. It’s fun when she loses!
Below is the clip from the moment that played in every Brangaloonie’s nightmares last night. Oh and Anne, your gums are receding, because you’re on speed or some shit! Smoke a bowl and relax.