You’ll Have To Wait A Little Longer To Marry Gary Oldman

That’s because he just got married for the fourth time in Santa Barbara last week. Don’t stick your head in the oven just yet, because this bitch’s marriages never last longer than a quick minute. Go tap your crotch to your personal favorite Oldman movie (mine is Prick Up Your Ears) and by the time you’re finished, the ink on his divorce papers will be dry. That’s how he does it.

50-year-old Gary married 31-year-old jazz singer Alexandra Edenborough in a teeny tiny ceremony last week. His agent confirmed this shit, because he was Gary’s best man. This is the fourth time Gary has locked a ball and chain to his ankle. His longest marriage lasted four years. His marriage to Uma Thurman was canceled before their 2-year anniversary.

So, yeah, Alexandra better get to fucking work! She doesn’t have much time before Gary quits her ass, so she better start massaging those tired spermies out of his pepaw peen. Put a little speed in his dick hole, so his jizz fishies swim faster! Get that money before it shuffles off!

And with his whiskers and her eyes, they will have purdy kids. Gary really does have amazing whiskers. That’s how he gets all the ladies. It adds an extra tickle.