I knew the first episode of Rock of Love Bus would make me feel like I needed Jesus in my life, but this shit exceeded my expectations. What…the fuck? After watching it, my saliva tasted like Boones-Farm-infused vomit, my crotch started itching like vag warts were starting to grow in and I had to look down at myself to make sure extra-large Hefty bags filled with melted down plastic weren’t taking up space in my chest area. Seriously, it felt like the high level of skankness on the TV screen exploded all over me. I had to ask God to forgive me for my sins. During next week’s episode, I’m going to wear a dental dam over my nose and mouth to protect myself.
I wish I had one last night while watching the moment above. Now, I consider myself highly knowledgeable when it comes to all things whorish, but this shit even blew my mind. Nikki, the ladyboy muppet, was “freakin’ horny” so she decided to do a Buttery Nipple shot out of Gia’s pussy right on the bar in front of everyone! I bet it tasted like an oatmeal cookie, because you know that dirty bitch Gia had yeast infection leakage.
Nikki is taking the whole “nasty slut with no self-respect” thing to levels beyond my imagination. She truly is my idol. Unfortunately, the only open vagina Vh1 is allowed to show is Bret Michaels‘ face, so they had to censor the whole amazing moment. And that bitch Heather falling on her ass at the end completes the clip.
It wouldn’t be a Rock of Love episode without a good skankfight! This one below comes courtesy of the Brazilian drunk Marcia and the Juliette Lewis wannabe Ashley. It all started when Ashley made fun of Marcia’s accent on the bus. When Marcia got a few gallons of tequila in her, she got revenge by throwing chips at Ashley and then choking her chicken neck! And Ashley totally fucking screams like a damn chicken getting finger fucked. I don’t blame Marcia. I would’ve done that long before, because Ashley’s voice is so damn irritating. She sounds like she’s talking with a dick stuck in the side of her mouth. Open your mouth, bitch!
Even though that whole episode made me cleans out my genitals with OxiClean (and I mean that as a compliment), I’m still mad that they got rid of Nikki so soon. I mean, the ho did a shot out of another chick’s coochie in the first episode! She would’ve been mixing martinis in her own poon by episode 3! Extra dirty with two crotch olives. Aw. What could’ve been….