Dumb Dumb Madam Rates Celebrities’ Ho Value

January 4, 2009 / Posted by:

Kristin Billie Davis is the ho that I briefly fell in love with during that whole Spitzer drama. She sold top shelf poon through her Wicked Models escort service. Spitz was one of her clients. Kristin pleaded guilty to selling whores back in October. While she’s waiting to be sentenced, 32-year-old (cough, HACK, choke) Kristin shared her pro-ho skills with Steppin’ Out Magazine (via Gawker) by saying how much Brit Brit, Sarah Palin, Wonky McValtrex and others would make if they sold their ass for her.

It’s hard for me to listen to a creature who looks like she hasn’t been exposed to natural light since the early 90s for fear that the sun might turn her into a puddle of silicone.

Kristin’s assessment is totally WTF-ish. This dumb whore makes no sense. I mean, she says Katie Holmes could make up to $3,000 an hour, because she has that “girl next door” look. Yeah, if you live next to a methadone clinic for snails. Has this plastic moron seen Katie Holmes lately?! Kristin also thinks Brit Brit’s chitterling pie could sell for about a grand. And if she didn’t lose her brains, she could get $2,000.

I don’t know why Wonky McValtrex is even included. That bitch is already handing out her broke down snatch for the bargain basement price of $0. The dumb fucks who hit that shit are the ones who pay the price by receiving a standing appointment to the free clinic.

I wish they would’ve asked her how much The Empress of Lucite would cost for an hour of fucky times. Kristin’s Tupperware tittays (that’s what she thinks with) would have exploded from trying to put a price on Shauna Sand’s priceless lucite flower.

Kristin’s entire list with her comments is after the jump. Warning. You might be offended and your outer (or inner) vagina will probably weep over this fuckery. JUMP!!!!

1. Britney Spears: If she cleaned herself up maybe I could get a thousand dollars an hour for her. But if was the old Britney before she went crazy I could have gotten $2,000 easy.

2. Paris Hilton: She would get $1,500 an hour. She’s slender and doesn’t have implants. She’s blonde and I could get away with selling her as a Ford model.

3. Beth Ostrosky: I like Beth. She’s tall and blonde. It’s always a homerun if I can get a girl who’s 5’9” or above. She’s usually perfect. Beth would be in the upper ranking. I could get $2,000 an hour for her easy.

4. Katie Holmes: Katie would be very popular because she has that All American, college girl look. She would be super popular. Men want girls who look like Howard Stern’s wife; the tall slender model type or they want that non-flashy, classically beautiful fresh face young look. The girl next door whom they could never get. They want the runway model they can’t have now, or the prom queen they couldn’t have then. I could probably get $2,500 an hour for Katie. Maybe even $3,000. I could max out on her.

5. Angelina Jolie: She would be my top girl. I call it my “Number one.” I would put her at $2,000 an hour. But you couldn’t get her unless you booked her for 4 hours. I wouldn’t let her go for just an hour. Maybe if you were a good client you could get her for an hour, but I would charge a lot more. At least $2,500.

6. Sarah Palin: (Laughs) I wouldn’t have any market for her. She couldn’t work for me. She’s cute, but not for my kind of clients. There are escort agencies that specialize in specific kinds of demographics. She could work for a cheaper agency. Maybe a $300 dollar an hour type agency. I would call her a mid-range escort type.

7. Playboy Playmates: I had many Playmates call me for work. Many! I’m talking about centerfolds. But I would only work with 1 out of 5. Usually, their boobs are too big or too fake looking. They look too California. For the most part I wouldn’t use Playmates.

8. Lindsay Lohan: She would do great! She’s got that fresh face and freckles. Men would eat her up! I could get $1,800 an hour for Lindsay….Easy! I would let her go for just the hour. She would work more volume for me. Short stays and busy all night. But I’m sure I could get clients to extend time with her if I asked.

9. Rihanna: I think she is stunning and gorgeous. If I were a client I would choose her. But honestly, I don’t have a market for her. She couldn’t work for me. It’s unfortunate. The African American and Asian models never do well. Rihanna wouldn’t bring in any business for me.

10. Melania Trump: She’s hot. She would make a lot of money. But the one problem with her is that men don’t like Jewish women and eastern European women. So I would have to lie about her nationality. Maybe say she’s from Amsterdam or Sweden. Otherwise she would have trouble getting work. I would also change her name. I could get $2,000 an hour for her if she played along and didn’t let it slip where she’s from.

All you can fucking do is shake your head and cackle. I’d sell my kidney just to touch RiRi’s forehead with my pinky finger. Besides, most of these women make three times that an hour just from breathing.

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