Karl Lagerfeld Hates Fatties (And Animals)

Reading Karl Lagerfeld hating on fatties made me remember when he used to be a BBWHZ (big busted white haired zombie) himself! This is when he used to eat regular human food instead of the fallen locks of emaciated models. This is also when he used to smile with his mouth! I don’t think Karl has smiled since the early 90s. He doesn’t smile now, because that’s something “only ze fat jalli pepull do.” I miss fat Karl, but skeleton Karl is just as entertaining.

Our Uncle Karl was kind enough to crawl out of his tomb and give an interview to the Telegraph about his love of fur and his hate of fat chicks. First up, Karl responded to the fashion industry being criticized for using skinny malnourished bitches on the runway. Karl said the number of size 000 models pales in comparison to the “zillions” of fat bitches who roam the land eating everything in sight.

Please read the next quote with a French accent and picture Karl furiously fanning himself. I think if he ever stops fanning himself, his skin will gracefully fall off his bones. Karl said, “In France there are, I think, less than one per cent of people who are too skinny. There are nearly 30 per cent of young people who are too fat. So let’s take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that’s left.”

Uncle Karl didn’t stop there! He also thinks that if we didn’t kill ze animals, they’d kill us! He defended the fur industry by saying many hunters make their living and support their families by killing furry creatures so that he can lay his naked bones all over a luscious mink throw. He said, “Killing those beasts who would kill us if they could.” He said that whenever possible, the animals should be killed “nicely.”

Karl himself hardly ever eats meat! Mostly because it’s physically impossible for him to chew on that shit without his jaw falling off. His slaves have to blend down his filet mignon and serve it to him with a straw. Karl said, “In a meat-eating world, wearing leather for shoes and clothes and even handbags, the discussion of fur is childish.”

Karl is right. When I was little, I had this pet bunny that was always winking at me. Evil winks! If I didn’t keep him in a cage all the time, he probably would have tore out my eyeballs and used them to juggle with. And he’d wink at me the whole time knowing very well that I couldn’t see a little bunny juggling eyeballs. Pure evil! So we must butcher those beasts before they murder us all! I mean, the bunny wouldn’t stop winking at me!

And you know that at this very moment Karl is down in his dungeon trying to find a way for fat bitches to grow mink hair. Two birds….