The World’s Heaviest Cake Doesn’t Look Delicious

December 30, 2008 / Posted by:

Over in Bucharest on Sunday, a new world record for the fattest cake was set. An official ho from the Guinness Book of World Records was on hand to weigh the cake and officially declare it the fattest cake in the world at 619 pounds. Twenty seconds later, Aretha Franklin magically floated in on her hot air balloon chichis and BOOM! The world’s heaviest cake suddenly disappeared. No, the cake was served to the people of Bucharest.

If you’re going to bake the fattest cake in the world, make that shit delicious looking. That shit is sad looking. I don’t even see any colored sugar flowers on that cake. Usually when I see a cake, I want to dive in, get dirty with it and swallow all it has to offer. But not with this cake. That shit looks like the Styrofoam cake they gave us on our birthday in kindergarten. Those dumb ass teachers would stick some candles in a fake cake and sing Happy Birthday to us. There was never a smile in the room, because we all knew we were being bamboozled. I mean, fake cake?! Illegal and hurtful. Those teachers should be in prison for their acts of unkindness.

The city of Bucharest also recently beat the world record for the looooongest sausage. The previous record was set by Peter North. Twenty seconds after it was declared the longest sausage, Parasite Hilton magically floated in on her hot air balloon pussy lips and BOOM! The world’s longest sausage suddenly disappeared.

And yes, when I first saw the title “The World’s Heaviest Sausage,” my no-no immediately started barking like a yappy Pomeranian. I’m glad you asked. Clip below (of the sausage, not of my no-no barking):

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