Drew Barrymore Is Not A Slut, Has A New Piece

I read this story about Drew Barrymore’s new piece on UsWeekly and decided to glance at the comments. It seems that some think that Drew is the whore of Hollywood because she’s fucked around with a few guys. I have this argument all the time on what constitutes a real big slut. From what I know, Drew isn’t a member of the slut club. She’s probably dated or effed a handful of dudes in the past year. That isn’t slutty! That’s kind of pilgrim-ish actually! So how do you know if you’re a big whore? Well, let’s walk away from Drew for a bit so that I can give you an example:

One time I went out on a blind date with some dude. Now before I even laid eyes on him, I decided I would do sex to him because I was feeling “needy” that night. So I finally met up with him and the dude was fugly with a capital F-U-G-L-Y. And he fucking smelled like cheese butter. You know when the sweat collects under the fat rolls and creates butter? That’s what the bitch smelled like. He didn’t even have a good personality. He barely talked and was really shy. Even though he was a damn troll with the personality of a lima bean, I never once considered not doing sexy times with him. I mean, I had to hold my nose while we were doing it, because he smelled so rancid.

Only after it was all said and jizzed did I sort of regret it, but then I just shrugged it off because I got mine. When you’ll screw someone who makes you dry heave, that’s when you pretty much know you are a big slut with no self-respect. Yay for sluts!

Okay, back to Drew, who is not a slut. UsWeekly says she’s boinking Jason Segel from Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother. TMZ has a video of them singing “Rainbow Connection” during karaoke night at the Brass Monkey Bar in L.A. A source said, “Drew and Jason were obviously dating because they were kissing and touching each other throughout the night.”

Another source said that Drew and Jason are pretty casual. They are just “friends with benefits.” Wait. She has friends with benefits? SLUT! No, I’m joking.

Drew seems to have a type. She likes the dudes who giggle and cracks jokes while you’re blowing them. Tom Green, The Mac Dude and Jason Segel all seem the type to break into stand up while fucking. So Jason and Drew make sense to me. And since we’re talking about Jason Segel, a while ago Defamer posted a picture of what they said is his penis. Holler if you see it. I’m still looking for it, because I see no peen there.

And here’s Drew doing her worst SamRo impression in L.A. the other day.