Just Your Regular Wino Story

Here’s a lovely story for a Sunday evening starring the Crackie of Camden as told by some scum bucket who used to lick on her crackpot. You may remember this Alex Haines dude? He used to be Wino’s personal assistant and they got a little too personal while he was working for her ass and Blaaake was in the chokey. Alex has now done what most people involved with Wino do: he sold his story to The News of the World.

Obviously sucking on Wino’s crack pipe clit has made Alex foggy in the brains, because why else would he admit to sexing up Wino? That’s some shit you take with you to the grave.

Alex’s revelations about Wino won’t make your eyes bulge in shock, but it is a good after church read. I’ve made it a little easier for you by summing it up with extra exclamation points, of course. Because exclamation points make everything escandalo. ESCANDALO!!!!!

Wino dined on a hearty breakfast of toast and CRACK every morning!

Wino spent £3,500 a week on drugs and made crack pipes out of old drink bottles! She once used a screwdriver to scrape out the residue from her crack pipe. “When Amy ran out of the drug it she would cut the bottle in half and sit there on the floor completely wired, scraping the inside to get the residue with a screwdriver.” The bitch is a thrifty one! She should get her own show on HGTV.

Wino is a bulimic who lives off of McDonald’s and Crunchie bars! Alex says she used his toothbrush to barf. Ew. I bet you that nasty bitch Alex hasn’t bought a new toothbrush either!

Wino was like Alex’s own personal porn star. She was addicted to ze sexy times and wanted it four or five times a day. “When I stayed at hers I would be asleep downstairs and there would be this little girl on the bed crawling towards me waking me up for sex.” Okay, Alex is creepy.

Wino is a cutter!!! “Cutting herself was her favorite pastime.” I’m pretty sure smoking crack is her favorite pastime, but maybe cutting is a close second.

Wino is afraid she might join the 27 club of rock stars who died at the age of 27.

Wino wanted to prove to every one that she was the cokiest cokehead who ever coked, so she once snorted a line that was 20 centimeters long!!!

Wino’s favorite drink is super classy. She loves vodka with supermarket tropical juice!!

Did you get all that? Wino is a bulimic, a crackhead, a cutter, a nympho and she’s also the Martha Stewart of the crackworld. Basically, she’s like every after-school special rolled into one hot sexy package (see above picture). Also, Alex needs to try much harder.