Leave Jennifer Aniston Alone, Says Jennifer Aniston

December 8, 2008 / Posted by:

Before we start: OMG OWEN WILSON’S FACE! What is the meaning of this?! I’m hoping it’s just an awful picture, but damn, damn, damn. He looks like a lezzie memaw who just finished eating a whole lemon without her dentures on. HIS FACE! Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.

In an interview with USA Today, Jennifer Aniston says she doesn’t get why people are so up in her life and wants them to get off her jock. She says, “I think it’s ridiculous. There’s just this insatiable need. I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, ‘You know what? It’s none of your (expletive) business.’ Seriously, it’s enough. It’s like we’re appealing to the lowest … And this is at a time when we should be so inspired and excited with what’s happening with the president. It’s a time to be positive and join together. We’re just trying to entertain you, man. Don’t shoot the messenger.

What expletive did Jenny use? If she used “motherfucking” or “cunty,” then we shall be married in a sunset beach ceremony. If she did not, then she needs to suck on a whoopie pie and stop her moaning. If she really wants people to stop yapping about her, then she needs to pack up her Real Baby and join me on a car ride. I’ll play John Mayer songs as we make our way up the mountain. Then I’ll escort her to her new cardboard house in a bear cave. I’ll even set up a place for her anti-Brangelina shrine. Jenny will be happy there and people will never talk about her whining ass again. Wish granted!

That said, I am thankful for Jennifer Aniston. Without her, this amazing rap video just wouldn’t be the same (skip to 0:50). Urkel + Aniston + Winnie Cooper = GOLD. This needs a remake.

Thanks CB

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