Kiki Dunst Has A Stalker Too

What the fuck is wrong with the crazy people of this world? Bryan Adams has stalkers (see below) and now Kiki Dunst has one too. Crazy people aren’t discriminating.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Kiki was granted a restraining order against some dude named Christopher Smith. Christopher has tried to break into her house several times. He was arrested last week after he tried to get into her vampire cavern for the fifth time. He was stopped by Kiki’s personal assistant who performed a citizen’s arrest on him.

I always wanted to do that shit! The next time I spot a hot dude doing something mildly illegal like smoking in a non-smoking area, I’m going to scream “CITIZEN’S ARREST!” Then I’m going to make him spread it so that I can frisk him for any dangerous weapons. Then I will ask him if he finds me attractive. If he says yes, I will inform him that I must perform a breathalyzer on him because it’s standard procedure. I will assure him that it won’t hurt a bit, because I’ve had a special breathalyzer system installed in my mouth. Then he’ll have to take off his pants. Performing a citizen’s arrest is better than Craigslist!

Anyway, 25-year-old Christopher Smith told the court that he’s in love with her and connects with her spiritually. He went on to say, “I felt like I connected with her and she connected with me. Now I don’t know if she did. I guess you have to ask her if she connected.”

This dude ain’t right. I have the perfect solution for Kiki’s situation. Obviously, this dude has a strange obsession with wet marshmallows. Kiki should just send him a giant bag of soggy Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows with a little baby tooth and scraggly blonde wig attached to it. He won’t know the difference.

That should keep his creepy ass busy for a few a years.

Source: AHN